Who wants to be a PM??

 The abbreviation PM could mean anything ranging from Prime Minister to Post Meridiem or Private Messaging to Project Managers.  While some are globally accepted abbreviations some are confined to a locality or to a group of people in a locality. E.g.) P**** Mavane (the most common sentence one would hear when driving through north Chennai, henceforth referred to as PM* in this post). While most software guys would agree that Project Manager is the perfect synonym of PM*, quite a few feel that PM* is too soft a synonym and prefer harsher words!!! Then there is the third category who feel abusing isn’t real fun and are busy masterminding a plan to wipe out their managers or cause permanent damage, and I definitely belong to the third category. 

I would be lying if I said all my managers were bad. I did have a couple of good managers – real good ones but most of them were the types who really didn’t have an idea of how they became a manager in the first place. I would like to single out two of my managers whom I have worked with and its not surprising that both of them are from my new organization.  

My first manager in the new organization is still undergoing the process described by Darwin in ‘Theory of Evolution’. Not only does he look like a half-ape (I doubt if he will ever complete the transformation) but has also not been able to transform from a “Homo” (The English meaning and not the Latin one) to a Homosapien. This is often evident from his behavior and the methods he practices to please his bosses and keep them in good humor!!! He also holds a certificate of being an elite PM* in the organization. Here is an extract of a conversation we had once. 

Me: Congratulations. Finally you have been acknowledged as a PM*

Manager: I was always a Project Manager but I have now been acknowledged as an elite member among the Project Managers and I take immense pleasure in that. Its not easy to become an elite Project Manager and it took me many attempts to finally get this certification.

Me: Yea, I agree…It requires lot of practice and focus to become an elite PM*. But the recognition has been long due. I am surprised the management took so much time to recognize you are a top class PM*, even though it was obvious in all your actions. Henceforth, with all due respect am not gonna call you by your name. I prefer to call you PM*. Is that fine??

Manager: Oh..you really don’t have to. But if you want to, I really don’t mind..

Me: Its my pleasure.Don’t worry, I will ensure everyone in the office calls you PM*.  

And ever since this conversation happened, I have taken all efforts to spread the word in my office and though this might not be a master plan, it’s my simplest way of getting back at him. Ahhh..The simple joys in life!!! 

Men are from Mars and women are from Venus. God knows which galaxy the second PM* is from. Infact he has even been offered the protagonist in the movie ‘Species IV’. He loves to talk and he lives just to talk and goes yapping on and on and on . Duracell and castrol are no match for him. And he is quite adamant that he will only talk rubbish and nothing sensible. One instance where he displayed his tactical acumen was when we were together onsite for a project. We were on the lookout for an accommodation and tried the regular ways of browsing through the papers and net, contacting agents, etc but didn’t have much luck. This is where my manager, the new-age De Bono, uses all his lateral thinking abilities and springs me a surprise. He walks up to a bunch of beggars nearby and asks them if they have any details of accommodation availability in the neighborhood. Their reply wasn’t surprising to me and at that moment I so badly wanted to disappear into thin air, but I just couldn’t!!! But my manager was so puzzled by their reaction and was reeling from the shock of the record breaking F *** and B ****** he was showered with for raising such an intelligent question. I finally managed to convince him saying that the beggars were naïve and had no clue that he was a PM*.  

He never ceases to amaze me. Quite recently we had a discussion on our career path and that’s when he came out with another shocker. Having listened to all my simple ambitions in life and mocking them as total crap, he came out with his life time ambition that he wanted to be a Purohit (a.k.a Pujari). What was he thinking?? The benefits of being a pujari are limited to being topless all your life (which is a real blessing if you are living in a hot place like chennai) and meeting pretty girls in traditional attire. I care a damn about what he wants to do with his life, but what seriously concerned me was the way he was marketing the Pujari job as though it was like working in NASA or Google. And he also quite often discusses in detail on topics ranging from his plans to enter politics and develop India by 2020 to how Obama should run his government. You can be assured that not a word of it will make any sense !!! 

I can even tolerate all this nonsense, but the statement he made today -  “ Sathiyan, I think you need a mentor and I will be your mentor” ….bloody PM*…Whatever made him think I needed a mentor and that too one like him, if at all I needed one in the first place…Enough is enough…I need to have my revenge for the way he has insulted me and am yet to chart out my revenge plan…Any bright ideas??  

Ladoo for Tirupathi? Malayalis for Ditching?

 

It so happens that half of them on my friend’s list are mallus. When I joined higher studies in a land far away from India I thought atleast here il be spared from seeing them or hearing them talk in manglish and flaunt their “ping lungi” in all its glory. When I landed for my orientation, I was shocked and stunned to see someone talk over the fone – Alle, njaan college ethiya.. pinne vilikaam baby. Seventh heaven or cloud nine or pure disgust. U can call it whatever u want, but I was beyond furious. I cud actually feel my blood boiling. I turned out to look at her and there she was.. in all her malayali glory, complete with jet black hair and chandan. As she approached me I had this sense of suicide.. I was aware of the fact that I was sitting in a 15^th storey building an if I die it’l be sucha bad scene that even journalists will hesitate taking photos. Slowly she asked- is anyone sitting here? I looked into her eyes and said nothing.. she sat. It is proven fact mallus don’t wait for answers, they live by assumptions and think they own everything. To create a conclusion jus by one mallu sittin in a chair next to me is brilliant I’d say.

Months went by and favors exchanged. As always de fool that am I did many for de mallu girl. In return got nothing. Sometimes thanks. That’s all.  of course she taught me a lil bit of bad words so I cud show off to my then love interest. But that’s where it stopped. Dint go beyond that. Soon many mallus started forming the association. I made new friends and she stuck to her Kerala province. Occasionally if we ended up in de same class she’d sit next to me with 5 of her other mallu friends an all of em wud incessantly talk in Malayalam driving me nuts. That’s when I really started liking strategic finance. How to make meen curry, how to tie mundu, how to apply henna, where u get gud chaaya, how long it takes from Calicut to California- were the famous topics often being discussed. Imagine a tamizhan in the middle of this. Lost wud be an understatement. Kerala’s answer to CBI- Dasan and Vijayan was one of the recurring conversations, how many of the girls “actually” drink kallu was a hit amongst the lungi loving guys. They correct me sometimes when I say lungi- veshti they say it seems. My foot.

Mallu strikes again: after these endless classes I took with em, I moved onto other subjects. Apparently mallus aren gud at studies. All they can do is hartals and give themselves a workout after watchin Shakeela’s movies. One fine day a mallu landed at home. Came to know it was my roomie’s boyfriend. Again typical mallu mentality- break into anyone’s house and behave like they ve welcomed u. when the dyude (de mallu way of saying dude) called me “Pandi” I cudn take it. Seems that’s how they call tamils. As Pandi’s or Annachi’s. Am neither one. I got my chance to take revenge. He asked me to make “degree filter kaapi” and I added so much sugar he cud ve got diabetes by now. I had my fair share of calling him names- Namboodri, Nair and Menon’s. He retaliated by calling me Pandi an entire day. Before going to bed I said F***** and walked away. Never heard from him after that.

I almost lost in touch with the mallu girl, but then she mailed me. It was an invite for her 1^st yr anniversary. She also stated I shud def come. I checked the invite and I saw 32 mallus were invited. Once again I was contemplating suicide. How cud I go there? the place was goin to be filled with fair skinned doe eyed females, wearing white and gold bordered sarees and men with French beard and kurtas (That’s the latest dress code for mallus- specially the ones settled abroad; they also wear Nike shoes and sweatpants with simple tees trying to look every bit the casual tech yuppie- which they are not).

1^st reminder came for the D-day. I dint respond (Tamil mentality- Escape aagaradhu). 2^nd reminder came in, again I dint respond. Then she called.

“Hey, u ve not told us yet if u r coming for the party.. what aapened? I ope ur cemming. Baby wanded u also to join the celebreshun. (Baby btw is 30 yrs old). Please you also try to make it. I will be waiting for the poseetive reply. Ketto?”

-          Umm.. I think I cant make it.. but il confirm with u for sure da.. jus need sometime.. I ve another appointment which I already fixed.. so..

“Oh! Is it? but I will wait. U please come.”

-          Yeah.. il tell u soon.

I was almost delirious with happiness when I heard her say “please”. Never have I heard a mallu say please.

D-day arrived. I tried to look every bit mallu jus so that I cud fit into the crowd. But my dark skin and I AM TAMIL was written on my face. I wished baby and her and tried my best to mix with the people. They were all standing like cows waiting to be driven away, all standing an talking bout the same thing. I initially made my nite interesting by counting how many times the women said “ayeee” and how many times the men touched each other’s hands. I lost count. Soon lil mallu kids were all over me. Chechi chechi chechi chechi echoed in my head. My bag was lost, some inquisitive nair kid was playing with my book (in case of boredom I always carry one). Some other kid was pulling me towards the food section and showing me what his mom had made. Idha meen curry.. idhaanu kappa.. idhaanu ulli theeyal, kachia moru.. pinne… ivade varuu.. I wanted to smack that boy for torturing me. I had almost said my thanks coupla months ago to the non existential god when one mallu left me after making me believe love really existed. But I suddenly knew I was destined for a lifelong torture. As long as mallus are alive, il be punished. I was wondering what mistake I really did in my life to undergo so much of pain. What have I done? Why did I deserve this?

Shooting pain through my left arm and sudden palpitation. I ve never experienced a hear t attack but all those forwarded mails came crashing into my mind now. I am too young to undergo an attack but who knows? For the amount of stress I ve been battling with all the mallus in my life I wasn surprised.  I tried to cough and release the tension but it wudn go. It just kept eating me slowly. I was prepared to die. The battle ground was surrounded by mallus. What a inglorious way to die.. I tried to cough once more and then I sprang outta bed. 11:42 AM. I was gasping for air and my roommate was staring at me.

“Are u ok? What? Had a nice dream is it?”

-          Yeah.. am fine. Am gud. (I actually wanted to tell her to mind her business.. bloody kannadiga- we’l keep em for another day)

I called the mallu girl. Told her cudn make it. but if I had a chance I wud ve definitely. She was disappointed and kept telling me to cancel the other plan and come. Deep inside I wanted to get back at some other mallu so I said a vehement no and raised my voice a lil. “Try to understand. Am not going for another party. I said am busy with work”.  She was visibly dejected. I was happy I ditched her. U see mallus aren the only ones who can ditch people. Tamils can too.

Btw Tamils are known to rejoice in something called “Alpa sandhosham”. Am one of em.

 

-Ain Nife En Ankh (Psuedonym )

Men

 

 

Why men lie?

Maybe that was how the world formed, but as someone who loves researching on humans (not anatomy), I’d like to turn it up a notch an actually get down to finding answers.

Consider a village in Tamilnadu : Pregnant mothers screamin their lungs out and 2 babies r born in separate homes. One a boy and de other of course a girl (there r only 2 COMMONLY known sexes available as of now).

As kids they enter into de world crying, but consider telling that to a baby boy.. We will be seeing some small lies told to a boy in de formation stages of his life, an how that contributes to de overall character building in his later years and why men are men..

Lie # 1 : Singakutty da nee.. ( De father lies ere in order to save his face plus his son’s, instantly making de boy egoistic and arrogant. This leads to de belief that he is actually a singakutty an behaves like one till he is 80 yrs old. Many people tend to take Singakutty as a term used to explain bout de father’s power in creating a baby. This shud not be confused with de literal meaning- lion’s cub.)

Lie # 2: Andha andavan thaan unna enga kitte anupi vechaan.. (Biggest lie considering de fact that parents do know how to procreate and also de fact that Karnan was a myth an technically its impossible for a baby to survive after being thrown from de heaven.)

Lie # 3: Gunathile avan raman, nirathile Krishnan.. (No man can ever be raman an am sure even ram wud agree with this. Its impossible to be fixated on one woman all ur life- if that was de case men wud be stuck onto their 1^st love in LKG, in some cases vasanthalakshmi (for those born before 1980) an some cases Preethi/arthi/shriya (those born after 1980). Nirathile Krishnan is a true statement an I ve heard from wise people that even krishnar was ashamed to stand in fronta 21^st century male. In epics there r 16000 odd gopikas runnin around de blue guy, singin his praises an acting coy, but under de current scenario by de time men finish school they ve already seen 16000 girls an maybe even got to score with a few of em.)

Lie # 4: Machan, unna yaarum adichikka mudiyathu.. (Men lie to men too. In de name of friendship an also in order to provide a ego boost. Many guys normally hang around with fellow useless youth. Friendship plays a important part in a man’s life an many of de worthless ideas when it comes to pursuing de fairer sex arises from discussions held in tea stalls, street corners, last benches in class etc. Although de friend is aware of de fact that his friend is not worth a dime, he still lies in order to – make him believe he can achieve whatever he wants to(mostly ending up with a gud lookin girl) and also fools oneself into believing he hangs around with guys who rock.)

Lie # 5: I love you.. (Guy telling a girl) One of de biggest lie in dis list. No man can ever love anyone other than himself- what he means by I love you is de following:

-          -U ve great “ass”ets

-          U r beautiful an it wud help me build my self image by being with u

-          U r ok looking, but ur friend is one hot mama an I want to get close to her

-          Am tired of playing sports an need someone to gimme free massages

-          I need experience (cud be physical/mental or any other form)

-          I ve money to spend but need someone to go out with

-          Am conducting a game show on who can be my wife- u r de 1^st contestant

-          Recession has hit me and my family very hard an dowry can help put us back on our feet

-          I really love you (although this is de rarest an normally .0001% mean it)

 

Lie # 6: I love you (Girl telling a guy) another lie which changes de entire functioning of a normal man. Reasons cud be a plenty, but de major ones r explained below:

-          I really love u even tho u look bad, smell horrible, ve no dreams in life.  I want to be with u so I can make u a better person

-          I like how big ur wallet looks when it is filled with cash

-          I jus broke up with my ex an need a rebound guy

-          I like to be pampered

-          I need a bakra to tell me constantly how beautiful I look

-          Am tired of running around lookin for guys, am goin to settle with u- my final decision

-          I jus.. I dunno.. I think rite now I need a man’s presence : )

 

Lie # 7: Someday ul become a great person an de world will look upto u: Almost everyone says this. In de formation stages a mother lies (coz she believes de son an father are from de same mould), friends lie (outta friendship, or jus as a practical joke), gf’s lie (so they can stay for long an maybe even end up getting married) , colleagues lie (so that when u become a great person ul no longer be sittin in a cubicle an maybe they’l shift u to another dept/branch an ur job will become theirs), world lies (coz world has always lied to everyone bout everything.)

To me these 7 lies determine a man’s life. To many readin this may be traumatical, but truth has never been sweet- ever.No, I don’t hate men- but I loathe them to some extent as any woman wud- for various reasons. Am not a feminist, am working on writing something that is titled as – why women cry. That will give us a better idea of why women are women. Although Allan and Barbara Pease(authors of de book titled “Why men lie and women cry”, gave more scientific explanations, we as humans need to be explained in layman’s terms.) I understand from de user name “Karadikutti” that Sathiyan is not exactly a intellectual an am ASSUMING his friends arise from a similar background. Simple English language an some Tamil words ve been used so as to make it sound like its jus another write up.

Note to Sathiyan:  Thanks for keeping de doors open even after 2 yrs. I ve lost touch with my satirical humor an hopefully writing alongside you will help me bring it back up.

A brief description about me: Am 21/F. Student who has normal dreams and aspirations like killing keralites and wiping out god’s own country from de map of India. Guess this will do for de time being.

Also Sathiyan’s friend.   

VANDUTTAAYA VANDUTTAAYA !!

   

Henceforth, one of my good friends Kavya -  an intellectual prodigy, a Pulitzer prize winner and a walking encyclopedia will also be co-authoring this  blog…Ippadi ellam sollanum nu enakkum aasai thaan, but if I do that I would be sentenced to hell for my next few janams or worse, might be sentenced to watch TR’s movies forever…Kavya is a world reknowned mottakathi who is as jobless as I am, taking pleasure in helping another MNC go bankrupt as quickly as possible.

Her partnership means its gonna be double trouble and more non stop nonsense going forward. I have no idea wat kinda posts she is gonna put up, but if you find her posts cool, feel free to appreciate ME for identifying the talent, and if you get pissed off (includes my posts as well) feel free to throw rotten tomatoes and eggs at HER

Kavya, welcome gal and happy naaradichufying…err, blogging !!

Cheers,

Sathiyan

 P.S: This has got nothing to do with adding glamour to the blog 

Jai Ho !!!

I am unable to find the right words to praise you but the way I was jumping around like a monkey when your name was announced at the oscars would have made anyone think I was crazy..I dont care..you made us proud…I doubt if any other Indian would have spoken with such humbleness in such a situation…You have inspired millions…Jai Ho sir !!!! Keep Rockin….

P.S: Sir, do you have any idea of composing New York Nagaram Part 2 ?? Also if by any chance you stumble upon this post, can you let me know the contact no of this babe…..

 

Adiye Kollude !!!

2009…Looks like it will turn out to be a good year for me. After a disastrous 2007 and a not-so-happening 2008, the first week of 2009 has been quite happening…If my statistics are right, the number of pretty girls I have spoken to in 2007 and 2008 have been 3 and 7 respectively. But in just a week into 2009 I am already acquainted to 5 pretty women..At this rate, I might reach my annual target of flirting with atleast 100 beauties this year….While each of these 5 are pretty in their own way, one of them just swept me off my feet!!

I met her when I was hanging out with my friends in a cofe shop last week…It was a send-off party for my friend Sara and we were expecting his friend’s sister to join the party….My friend had told me on many occasions that the girl is quite pretty, but namma paakaade figure ah nu naan thaan kandukaame irundhen…But when I saw her walk into the cofe shop, I was dumbstruck….I could see hearts and stars flying around my head…At that moment I didn’t feel like whisting, I wanted to howl!!! …But I held back myself considering the fact I already look like a werewolf and had I howled, I would have been the talk of the town… This was probably the 182nd time I was having a crush on someone since my LKG…

My first crush was Vasanthalakshmi and she was my benchmate in LKG…And how did I realize I had a crush on her….No, she definitely was not a mallu…Its just that I refused to have a hair cut as she would not like it and grew a punk even when I was in LKG…I was the style icon as I was the only one to sport a punk in the whole of cuddalore…Just as I was planning to grow a pony tail and freak out my classmates, my parents decided to play spoilsport and shifted to Katpadi…But I never gave up…I wanted to keep Vasanthalakshmi happy…ava kannula aanandha kanner ah mattum paakanum nu I cut my pony tail and couriered it to her..I am not sure if she is keeping it still, but Vasanthalakshmi, if you are reading this blog by any chance, gimme back my hair..I need it as I have started balding already !!!….I have had several crushes after that…The mallu effect came in quite late, during my teens when I was hypnotized by my kozhikode English teacher at school …Infact I managed to top the English paper in my board exams only to realize that none of the engineering colleges consider English marks for their admissions…

Coming back to the present, this girl I met last week definitely tops my list…Oru azhagaana ponna paatha nalla melody song manasula odum..like how surya sings ‘En iniya pon nilave’ or ‘nenjukkul peididum maamazhai’ when he sees Sameera in Vaaranam Aayiram .. but enakku andha mathiri rasanai eno illai…en manasula andha nerathula oduna paatu ‘ Adra Adra naaka mukka naaka mukka’ thaan….She walked up to us and after throwing a stunning smile, turned towards me and questioned “ Are you Satti ??”..Cheh, Sathiyan nu oru style aana name irukkum pothu oore satti nu koopdude nu feel pannikitte ‘ Yea, I am’ nu vazhinjitte sonnen, for which she smiled again like a model in a toothpaste ad…How is that gals are able to smile for every damn thing, whereas guys smile just for the adult jokes….As she kept talking to the others, I kept glancing at her once a while like ‘Subramaniapuram Swathy’ only to get caught every single time…Maybe my look was more like kumarimuthu’s rather than swathy’s…. Being the strategist I am, I never gave her the chance to converse with me because I was scared that during the conversation she might call me ‘anna’ or even worse – ‘uncle’.

Oorla indha mathiri azhagaana ponnunga egapattadu irundaalum adhula onnu kooda en parents kannula padaadu…paravai muniyamma pethi and kollangudi karupaayee in her 20’s range ku thaan paakuraanga..Kedaikura chance ah full ah utilize panniko da satti, mudinja alavukku sight adichukko nu en manasaatchi kadarikittu irunduchu…So I was busy sighting and was in no mood to flirt…That’s when she turned towards me and said “You seem very familiar…I think I have seen you before somewhere, but cant remember where” nu..I was confused….”Enna da, normal ah namma thane figure ah paathu indha dialogue solluvom, but indha ponnu ippadi solraale..enga paathu iruppa..oru vela buhari hotel la biriyani mukkitu irunda pothu paathu irupaala ?? Ille, Ethiraj college vaasal la sundal kada kaaran kitte discount kettu sanda pottutu irukum pothu paathu irupaala…Edhukku risk..irukave irukku mokka joke onnu, adhe solliduvom nu I said “ If you have seen vaaranam aayiram movie you might have seen me in different getups”..Like any other pretty figure, she also laughed at the mokka joke and that made me quite happy as she didn’t utter the words ‘anna’ or ‘uncle’ when she replied… But my happiness didn’t last long as she had to leave to attend some errand…However I did manage to take a picture with her before she left, of course with 5 nandhis standing between us…The worst part of the entire episode is that, after all that jollifying and sighting, I forgot to even ask her name..but who cares, I have decided to call her BHAVANA as she resembles her a bit !!  :) And yea, she’s a mallu……

P.S: All characters in this story, except Satti, are fictional and any resemblance to a person dead or alive is definitely not my problem!!!

Livin la vida loca !!

I have been trying to update my blog for the last couple of weeks but could never do it. Not that I was very busy or something . Its just that am a black belt in procrastinating!! That isn’t the only reason…I just couldn’t find anything interesting to write about and most importantly, I could never find time to blog @ office!! “En office la thaan ezhudanum, veetla ukkandu ezhuda mudiyaada …Office la nee blog ezhuda thaan salary kudukuraangala da vennai” nu naaka pudingukura mathiri enna kekanum nu thonuchu na – STOP !! I am not to be blamed…Whenever I login at home am tempted to do a google search for either “Paris Hilton video” or “Sizzling Bipasha”. Criminal ah yosikka vendi irukku….senja thappa endha evidence um illaama moodi maraikka vendi irukku…what an irony – Moodi maraikaadada paaka poi naan ella evidence ah um moodi maraikka vendi irukku !!! Edukku indha prachanai ellam..That’s why I prefer not to login @ home… Now that I finally have some free time @ office, lemme just give an update on what’s happening at my end.

Last few weeks have been eventful and happening. I have moved out from Oracle and joined Wipro. In Oracle I felt more like the lemon hanging in front of a vehicle – useless and unnoticed!!! And its been just a week @ Wipro and I already feel like the lemon in a juice shop – all ready to be cut and squeezed!!! I was dumped with so much workload right on day 2 that I had to skip even my lunch, especially when I had plans of lunching in Thalapakattu Biriyani that day. This place seems to be filled with crazy people. First of all they don’t have an open-to-all internet access policy..And after quite a bit of pleading and negotiation I managed to get the internet access only to find that the Google search for “Paris Hilton video” / “Sizzling Bipasha” returned the message “ Blocked content. Cannot view requested page. Please contact administrator incase access to the blocked content is necessary ”. That’s dumb !! Will the administrator really grant me access to these pages if I requested that content?? What drives me crazier is that we cannot access personal mails /orkut and everybody else seems to be OK with this F@#$*% security policy!! Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity, and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them. The guy who devised this policy definitely belongs to the first category and the employees are already in the second category. Looks like am the only one out here in the third category.

As for the new manager, I developed a strong dislike for him from the moment we got introduced. This guy has a very simple policy – “Thou shall not meet me while I am in my cabin and shall also not meet me when am not in my cabin. Please feel free to meet me any other time”. I always had the opinion that managers lacked sense but of all managers lacking sense this guy inevitably stands out as a man lacking more sense than the rest. From the way he’s been irrationally commanding work, I very strongly feel that he normally takes his food while he is in the loo!! Maybe that probably explains his weirdness. Hoping this guy would speak sense one day is like hoping TR would flaunt a six pack ab someday. Infact I have already nicknamed him “ Muttakose mandayan”…Crazy bugger !!

Life’s been smooth on the personal front. The alliance search is in full swing and my parents are very busy handling the phone calls from all directions. Most of the calls are from those who were highly impressed with how unimpressive my profile was. Infact few people call up and thank me for saving them the disgrace of being the “most unimpressive profile on the portal”. Am glad am the topper atleast in this and I am quite confident that I will comfortably be able to retain my top spot atleast till the latest sensation JK Ritheesh jumps into the competition. There are also some people who call up just for the sake of threatening their rebellious daughter…”solra pechu kekula na indha poochaandi kitte pudichu kuduthuduven” types !! Some people though are genuine and really interested in my profile – whenever they are bored with my existing pic and don’t find it funny anymore, they request for a change in pic. Enna oru kadamai unarchi…crazy people !!

And hey, one final update – I will be traveling onsite shortly for a long term and I hope the people out there dont turn out to be as crazy as the people I have been meeting off late….That sums up the updates from my end..ippo naan apeetu aagittu appuram repeat aaguren !!

Thedi thedi theindene……

 

Its  been almost a year since I started blogging and I keep wondering what brings people to my blogsite. First there are my friends who are forced to visit the site bcos of my constant nagging and as a sign of gratitude for the quarter+Kozhi Biriyani I offer them every now and then, then there are not-so-alpe friends who would visit the site for just a 50p muttaai or a single dum, but they would do it only when they are free – which simply means anytime during the day. Then there are people who visit my friend’s friend’s friend’s friend’s blog and have stumbled upon my site because they have been totally jobless @ work. But what surprises me is that there are quite a few visitors who are complete strangers. So I started tracking the keywords that people use to reach my site.  Ippadi ellam kooda yosipaangala nu appuram thaan purinjadu

Not surprisingly, most of the search words are associated to kerala/malayalam. Some search words are decent – kerala dress, new flat promoter palakkad, mallu nair chicks, malluism tests, malayalam meaning of tamil song munbe va, etc. Indha mathiri search words ellam kandippa pasanga thedi irukka vaaipe ille, adhuvum Kerala pathi !!! So namma blog ah ponnunga kooda padikuraanga nu oru alpa santhosham irundaalum, adhe ellam naaradikura mathiri irukku pasangaloda search words – vijaya scene ladies tailor, shakeela dance(ithellam kooda rasikura pasanga irukaangala), mallu kuthu padam, busty tv comperes (idhu anegama en friend try pannada irukkum..avan thaan eppo paathaalum naaka thonga potutu comperes ah paathuttu irupaan), dubai hot mallu nurse, etc…Indha mathiri keywords ku porn sites ku pora hits ah vida en blog ku vara hits thaan adigam pola..idhe range la pona karadikutti.com ah karadibaba.com nu maatha vendi varum…naan mudivu panniten – no more blogs about kerala..kaatu pasangala irukaanga ellam !!!

Ithellam kooda sagichukalaam..sagichikave mudiyaada few crazy search words oda samples thaan idhu. Indha vetti search ku ellam kooda en blog list aagudu nu nenacha thaan semma kadi aagudu…

Vijaykanth jokes in ppt – Software makkal ah nalla purinju vechirukuravan thaan idhe search senjirukaan…jokes mattum podhaaadaam..adhuvum PPT la thaan venumaam..periya lord labakudass….

Namitha’s contacts details – Idukkum en blog kum enna sammandam ?? If only getting this info on net was so easy, innerathula tamilnadu la oru periya kalavarame nadandu irukkum…but this created a doubt in my mind..so naane oru thadava en blog ah full ah alasi paathen, if by any chance I might be lucky enough to get the contact details nu..No luck

Nayantara booze – Idhu anegama chimbu search pannada irukkum…love failure ah nayantara um thanni adikuraala nu search panni paathirukaan nu nenaikuren…

Palakkad to chalakudi bus timings – En blog ennavo KSRTC website mathiri idhukellam kooda en blog ah point panna eppadi…next time indha mathiri edaavadu hit vanda, kerala govt kitte commission vaanga vendiyathu thaan !!

T pasanga – highlight aana search word..bayangara decent pervazhi pola…ketta vaarthai theduradu nu aachu, appuram adhula enna short form medium form ellam..idhu kandippa oru ponnu thaan search senju irukka, enna indha madhiri childish foul words ellam pasanga LKG/UKG la ye use panni irupaanga…

Bhavana in lungi  – perumaale perumaale..naaku koosaradu…#%&*$!… Endha dog nu theriyale, but magane, ivan mattum sikkunaan…..saavugraaki..ivanai kandu pidithu tharubavargalukku thakka sanmaanam vazhanga padum !!!

Photos of tamil actors without shirt – Ukkandu yosichu type pannuraanga pola…ennoda blog la irukka ore tamil actor oda photo namma gabdain nu thaan..avara shirt oda paaka ve terror ah irukku..ithula shirt illama veraya…spot death thaan !!

How do i pronounce mathavan – Rombe thevayaana vishayam….idhe kooda pronounce panna theriyala na kandippa idhu en friend “akka” va irukanum, ille andhra kaarana irukanum…

Angelina Jolie loves satti – he he..idhu naane oru thadava try pannadu, oru alpa santhoshathukaaga :)

Seri, namma keragam…ippadi patta kandraaviyaana search words ku ellam namma blog list aagude nu manasa thetha muyarchi senjaalum, indha oru search, enna oru kolagaarana/psycho va maathidichu…

Actor vijay in jetty – Indha search ah paatha odane naan appadiye shock aagiten…this is definitely by some gay keralite !! Oru actor ku rasigan ah irukalaam, but adukaaga…ippadi veri pudicha rasigan ah irukurada?? Oru vela idhu Michael Jackson search panni irupaano/irupaalo ?? Ille, idhe search pannadu Ajith ah kooda irukalaam..Ajith and Vijay ku thaan cold war….

Yabba, oru 4-5 naal blog search words ah track pannadukke ippadi kann ah kattude..Oor olagathula irukka ella molla maariyum en blog ah visit panraanga pola…Idhula namma uyir nanbargal vera – vetti satti, karadi satti nu ellam search panraanunga…but yea, ivangalaale thaan atleast 3k hits vanduchu.. so thedunga thedunga thedikitte irunga…..

ARASAANGAM – Go for it !!!!

 

 

I have always been a die hard fan of our Captain Vijaykanth, the saviour of tamil cinema. He has never failed to entertain the audience and I have always considered his movies “value for money”. Though his 149 films career include flop movies like Kshathriyan, Chinna Gounder and Vallarasu his blockbusters like Narasimha  and Dharmapuri set the box office on fire and grossed more than Titanic. Infact Spielberg was so impressed with Captains acting in Narasimha that he offered him the title role in “Godzilla”. But because Captain has a policy of acting only in tamil movies, he politely declined the offer. Kamal can show-off by playing 10 different roles in a single movie, but he is no match for Captain who has played the same role in 100 movies!!

 

Arasangam is Vijaykanth’s 150^th movie. When I came to know of its release, I decided to watch it at any cost. The movie kicks off with a series of assassinations of prominent personalities in Tamilnadu. As usual, the police are clueless about the plot behind these murders and hence request services of a special agent in solving the crime. Now as we were all expecting our Captain’s 1000mm face on the 70mm screen and were getting ready to whistle, there is a twist in the story…No, the special agent isn’t Captain. Its some other guy !! And by the time all this is over, its well past 15 minutes into the movie, and still no sign of our hero. The next twist in the movie comes a few minutes later when the agent boards the flight to Chennai, but doesn’t  reach his destination. He goes missing mid-flight !! This case seems to be a much more complex one and so the police seek the services of a mastermind police trainer to crack these cases. This is where Captain gets introduced, but to everyone’s surprise, without much fuss !! No party flags, no bombs, no songs and not even the trademark close-up smile!! :) A flashback love story (watch out for this part as Captain tries his hand at comedy)  narrates how Captain and the agent became mama-machan. The best thing about the flashback is the Director’s touch of humanitarianism. He portrays the heroine (some newcomer with a damn huge mouth !!!) as a deaf girl. Sources say the heroine pleaded that she be given a deaf & blind character as that would logically fit the concept of a girl falling in love with Captain and also since she can get away without listening to Captain’s english, but finally the director seems to have agreed to just the deaf part.

 

Captain’s investigations lead him to Canada where a voluptuous babe teams up with him to crack the case. Just as I was wondering “who is more voluptuous – The babe or Captain”, there was a scream of agony in the theatre…the guy behind me was spitting out blood and was in severe convulsions!! There was an expression of total shock on everybody’s face…Within seconds there was total chaos..That’s when I saw the gory scene – the turning point in the movie, never ever picturized in the history of tamil cinema. Censor board had failed in its duty.. Captain was dressed in a fluorescent orange tight t-shirt showing off his 60 pack abs, flashing his trademark smile!!! So pregnant women, faint hearted and children below 12, please stay away from the movie.

 

 

A few minutes later comes the next shock, which is probably the highlight of the movie. We have seen James Bond fight sharks & crocodiles, MGR fight Lions, Rajni fight Tigers, and even Karadi fight TR, to save someone. But this movie has one of the most stunning fight sequences where Captain saves the babe from the wildest of beasts ( If your guess was a Tyrannosaurus Rex, think again !!) – PIGS !!! During the fight sequence it does get a bit confusing trying to differentiate Captain and the pigs, but eventually the one who is victorious has to be Captain, so we weren’t really worried !!  

 

 

Captain ku “Risk ellam rusk saapdura mathiri” nu we all know. He proves this by showcasing his proficiency in english. The Canadian police and public are so awe-struck  they start conversing in tamil. Apart from his regular spesal, eyewas, englis, pakistan, mizzion, etc he also uses some complex words like Hi, echoose me, dank you, Ejit, no, yes, ny name is, etc and the best of all being his punch dialogue – “Action first, formalities next !!”…A series of twists and turns lead to the climax where Captain proves why he is still numero uno !! Captain and the villain are on top of a building…A train is fast approaching…Captain face ah kaatraanga, train ah kaatraanga, face ah kaatraanga, train ah kaatraanga…Captain jumps off the building with the villain, bounces off the platform and goes right through the train door !!  :) Beat that !!

 

But yea, finally Captain cracks the case, enforces justice and saves India. All said and done, the movie is definitely worth the money. Though it feels like a low budget Vettayaadu Vilayaadu, its worth watching for this is probably one of Captain’s better movies off-late. Political/statistical dialogues, dumb heroines dropping dead by Captain’s charm, Pakistani terrorists, punch dialogues, close up shot of Captain, boring songs, and even Captain’s favourite “red-eye” factor have been consciously avoided in this movie. Kudos to Captain and the Director for that. I would definitely rate it better than the boooooring movies Santosh and Mohini I saw few weeks back. Go for it if you are Gapdain’s fan, strong hearted and a pig lover !!

 

 

 

 

 

Chennai Super Kings !!

 

 

 

Cricket has always been my favourite sport (though sometimes I do a “Peter” by talking about soccer, basketball and at height of peterism, even about games played in the deep jungles of Africa). And what better a treat for cricket lovers than the 20-20 version!!! The ongoing IPL tournament has been quite entertaining especially with Chennai Super Kings (CSK) in top gear (so far atleast !!!) IPL has also made me realize that am first a chennaite and only then an Indian. I don’t remember extending Team India even 50% of  the support am extending to CSK. I have my own reasons for that

 

Born and brought up in Chennai is just one of the reasons I am an ardent CSK supporter. There is no way I would support a North Indian team. So Mumbai Indians ( Sirupulla thanama irukku name – Aren’t non-mumbai ppl Indians?? ) , Delhi Daredevils, Kolkata Knight Riders, Rajasthan Royals and Kings XI Punjab are straightaway ruled out !!! Trust me, ruling out Punjab was one of the toughest calls I had to take at this very young age…I mean with Preity Zinta being the owner, it takes immense mental strength not to support that team. So as said earlier, north is strict No-No…I can vouch that full meals (unlimited) is any day better than rotis or chappatis !! Tamizh is better than Hindi!! As for Bangalore, I don’t even have to tell the reason. Thavicha vaaiku thanni kudukaada pasanga. Naasama Poga !! Deccan Chargers are an OK team, and I can support that team for the reason that I love Andhra meals, but again am pissed off for the simple reason that they took away Trisha to act in their movies and haven’t lent Ileana so far to the Tamil Industry. Damn Cheaters!!

 

Coming back to CSK, am quite happy with the brand ambassadors of the team. I would have been a lot happier had they chosen our “Gapdain Vijaykanth” to be the brand ambassador there are reasons for that.  First and foremost is that he looks like an ambassador – car !! He would have also ensured that there is no Pakistani in the CSK team. Infact he would ensure none of the Pakistani players participate in IPL thereby eliminating any security concern. A brand ambassador must also be well read and should be able to talk on vast topics. Not only can our Gapdain speak on a plethora of topics, he can also provide statistics ranging from players batting/bowling averages, scores in certain matches, and when in full form, even the banian & jatti sizes of all players!!  Well, I guess we aren’t that fortunate. But again, Vijay is no less a joker either. If many of you are confused as to “why” Vijay was chosen as the brand ambassador, here are the reasons:

 

·     Vijay is the only tamil actor who has played the role of  a sportsman in his movies. (Ghilli)

·     Chennai is famous for its kutthu songs…and guess who holds the record for max kuthu songs ?? – Vijay

·     His costume in one of the song sequences in the movie Sivakasi was the inspiration to CSK’s uniform – Yellow tracks !! Uggghhhhhhhhh…..Not even Ramarajan had attempted this daring act !! Infact this was even telecast once in Ripley’s Believe it or not show and was also taken as a topic of discussion by Oprah Winfrey.

 

As for Nayanthara – the reason is simple. The CSK promoters were extremely impressed with the way she “played” in Simbu’s life and felt that she was the best actress cum sportswoman around. Glamour quotient is only the secondary reason.

 

While each one of us know that it takes a minimum of a ball and bat to play the game of cricket, we fail to realize that there is one person who disagrees with this logic. Its none other than his highness Lord Labakudass Srikanth, who strongly believes all you need to play cricket is a “mouth”!! Ask him for an opinion and he would start off with his theory on cricketing basics (of course he would  validate his points by using the concepts of Physics that would give Newton and Einstein an inferiority complex !!), add a few points on how he had the guts to play Joel Garner without an abdomen guard, and end with suggestions on “100 quickest ways of losing a game !!”.

 

All said and done, I still am happy with the CSK team and I hope they keep rocking throughout the tournament and emerge as winners. Having won the ICL format earlier, a win in IPL would be the icing on the cake. A win would give an opportunity to prove that “Lungi is better than Pajamas” !!!  Until then I would continue to shout “Chennai Vaazhga, Matha team ozhiga !!!“