Ladoo for Tirupathi? Malayalis for Ditching?

 

It so happens that half of them on my friend’s list are mallus. When I joined higher studies in a land far away from India I thought atleast here il be spared from seeing them or hearing them talk in manglish and flaunt their “ping lungi” in all its glory. When I landed for my orientation, I was shocked and stunned to see someone talk over the fone – Alle, njaan college ethiya.. pinne vilikaam baby. Seventh heaven or cloud nine or pure disgust. U can call it whatever u want, but I was beyond furious. I cud actually feel my blood boiling. I turned out to look at her and there she was.. in all her malayali glory, complete with jet black hair and chandan. As she approached me I had this sense of suicide.. I was aware of the fact that I was sitting in a 15^th storey building an if I die it’l be sucha bad scene that even journalists will hesitate taking photos. Slowly she asked- is anyone sitting here? I looked into her eyes and said nothing.. she sat. It is proven fact mallus don’t wait for answers, they live by assumptions and think they own everything. To create a conclusion jus by one mallu sittin in a chair next to me is brilliant I’d say.

Months went by and favors exchanged. As always de fool that am I did many for de mallu girl. In return got nothing. Sometimes thanks. That’s all.  of course she taught me a lil bit of bad words so I cud show off to my then love interest. But that’s where it stopped. Dint go beyond that. Soon many mallus started forming the association. I made new friends and she stuck to her Kerala province. Occasionally if we ended up in de same class she’d sit next to me with 5 of her other mallu friends an all of em wud incessantly talk in Malayalam driving me nuts. That’s when I really started liking strategic finance. How to make meen curry, how to tie mundu, how to apply henna, where u get gud chaaya, how long it takes from Calicut to California- were the famous topics often being discussed. Imagine a tamizhan in the middle of this. Lost wud be an understatement. Kerala’s answer to CBI- Dasan and Vijayan was one of the recurring conversations, how many of the girls “actually” drink kallu was a hit amongst the lungi loving guys. They correct me sometimes when I say lungi- veshti they say it seems. My foot.

Mallu strikes again: after these endless classes I took with em, I moved onto other subjects. Apparently mallus aren gud at studies. All they can do is hartals and give themselves a workout after watchin Shakeela’s movies. One fine day a mallu landed at home. Came to know it was my roomie’s boyfriend. Again typical mallu mentality- break into anyone’s house and behave like they ve welcomed u. when the dyude (de mallu way of saying dude) called me “Pandi” I cudn take it. Seems that’s how they call tamils. As Pandi’s or Annachi’s. Am neither one. I got my chance to take revenge. He asked me to make “degree filter kaapi” and I added so much sugar he cud ve got diabetes by now. I had my fair share of calling him names- Namboodri, Nair and Menon’s. He retaliated by calling me Pandi an entire day. Before going to bed I said F***** and walked away. Never heard from him after that.

I almost lost in touch with the mallu girl, but then she mailed me. It was an invite for her 1^st yr anniversary. She also stated I shud def come. I checked the invite and I saw 32 mallus were invited. Once again I was contemplating suicide. How cud I go there? the place was goin to be filled with fair skinned doe eyed females, wearing white and gold bordered sarees and men with French beard and kurtas (That’s the latest dress code for mallus- specially the ones settled abroad; they also wear Nike shoes and sweatpants with simple tees trying to look every bit the casual tech yuppie- which they are not).

1^st reminder came for the D-day. I dint respond (Tamil mentality- Escape aagaradhu). 2^nd reminder came in, again I dint respond. Then she called.

“Hey, u ve not told us yet if u r coming for the party.. what aapened? I ope ur cemming. Baby wanded u also to join the celebreshun. (Baby btw is 30 yrs old). Please you also try to make it. I will be waiting for the poseetive reply. Ketto?”

-          Umm.. I think I cant make it.. but il confirm with u for sure da.. jus need sometime.. I ve another appointment which I already fixed.. so..

“Oh! Is it? but I will wait. U please come.”

-          Yeah.. il tell u soon.

I was almost delirious with happiness when I heard her say “please”. Never have I heard a mallu say please.

D-day arrived. I tried to look every bit mallu jus so that I cud fit into the crowd. But my dark skin and I AM TAMIL was written on my face. I wished baby and her and tried my best to mix with the people. They were all standing like cows waiting to be driven away, all standing an talking bout the same thing. I initially made my nite interesting by counting how many times the women said “ayeee” and how many times the men touched each other’s hands. I lost count. Soon lil mallu kids were all over me. Chechi chechi chechi chechi echoed in my head. My bag was lost, some inquisitive nair kid was playing with my book (in case of boredom I always carry one). Some other kid was pulling me towards the food section and showing me what his mom had made. Idha meen curry.. idhaanu kappa.. idhaanu ulli theeyal, kachia moru.. pinne… ivade varuu.. I wanted to smack that boy for torturing me. I had almost said my thanks coupla months ago to the non existential god when one mallu left me after making me believe love really existed. But I suddenly knew I was destined for a lifelong torture. As long as mallus are alive, il be punished. I was wondering what mistake I really did in my life to undergo so much of pain. What have I done? Why did I deserve this?

Shooting pain through my left arm and sudden palpitation. I ve never experienced a hear t attack but all those forwarded mails came crashing into my mind now. I am too young to undergo an attack but who knows? For the amount of stress I ve been battling with all the mallus in my life I wasn surprised.  I tried to cough and release the tension but it wudn go. It just kept eating me slowly. I was prepared to die. The battle ground was surrounded by mallus. What a inglorious way to die.. I tried to cough once more and then I sprang outta bed. 11:42 AM. I was gasping for air and my roommate was staring at me.

“Are u ok? What? Had a nice dream is it?”

-          Yeah.. am fine. Am gud. (I actually wanted to tell her to mind her business.. bloody kannadiga- we’l keep em for another day)

I called the mallu girl. Told her cudn make it. but if I had a chance I wud ve definitely. She was disappointed and kept telling me to cancel the other plan and come. Deep inside I wanted to get back at some other mallu so I said a vehement no and raised my voice a lil. “Try to understand. Am not going for another party. I said am busy with work”.  She was visibly dejected. I was happy I ditched her. U see mallus aren the only ones who can ditch people. Tamils can too.

Btw Tamils are known to rejoice in something called “Alpa sandhosham”. Am one of em.

 

-Ain Nife En Ankh (Psuedonym )

~ by karadikutti on May 2, 2009.